Thursday, March 30, 2006
It came back.
My depression came back today. It was so sudden and even worse than before. I just wish all this pain and grief would engulf me and take my life away, just like how it is sucking my happiness out of me now.
Create new dreams. Easy for you to say. You never had any dreams taken from you or destroyed by the people you loved.
I want to cry but it just feels too tiring to do so. I just wanna sleep. And hope I will die in my sleep. Then I will finally find peace. I will finally be away from all these earthly concerns. No one will miss me anyway. I am a burden and nothing more.
diagnosed of lucid psychosis
7:52 PM
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
My darlings Foo Hua and Shing Lei are in Shanghai now. Miss them so blardy much! I sent them off on Sunday and met up with my ex to talk things out. He contacted me during the chalet and even turned up. He just kept going on about how he wanted me back.
At the airport, we clarified some things. Like, for example, he DIDN'T cheat on me. Apparently Jessica the witch made everything up. I even saw some smses which are proof of that. And I didn't know what to say. After telling all the IAD peeps how he cheated on me, how am I going to clear his name?
Aini had been right all along. It was a misunderstanding and I should have cleared it up before it manifested into something like this. I was not the only one who was duped. So was he. Jessica didn't tell him alot of stuff that happened between she and me.
And now the million dollar question is: Are we getting back together? Honestly, I don't know. I'm so confused. I don't even know whether I should believe him or Jessica. In my mind, he's still the mean awful person who cheated on me and hurt me. I cannot erase the impression of him Jessica has imprinted on my mind.
diagnosed of lucid psychosis
8:36 PM
Friday, March 24, 2006
Some people have no shame. My ex called and messaged me the whole blardy day yesterday. Like wtf is his problem? Can he just leave me alone? So I called him up and the conversation went like that:
Me: If you called to gloat about Jessica, and how you are so happy together, I think you are so extremely immature
Him: No it's not that...
Me: Then what is it?
Him: Hold on, hold on
Me: Hurry up! I don't have all day you know.
Him: It just that I've realised what I did...
Me: Well, it's a bit too late to realise don't you think?
Him: Yar, I see that now. I just called to say...
Me: You should have realised that before you started calling me the whole day and irritating and annoying me.
Him: Well, since I irritate and annoy you, I have nothing to say already.
Me: Good! Bye.
A complete jerk don't you think? Anyway it's Elroy's Birthday today:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELROY!!!
diagnosed of lucid psychosis
10:52 AM
Thursday, March 23, 2006
We celebrated Huiyu's Birthday today. Went to Fuji Ice Palace at Jurong to ice-skate. And K-box-ing after. It really was very fun. I don't think I ever had so much fun all my life. Since the well-known tragedy that is. I'm so tired, I can't blog further.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY HUIYU!!!
He's so perfect and he was there all along. Why didn't I see him from the start?
diagnosed of lucid psychosis
12:08 AM
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
It is strange when you stumble onto little evidences that love exists and it makes you feel so light and happy, even though it is not happening to you.
Just a little shoutout to Foo Hua and Xin Lei:
HAVE A GOOD, SAFE TRIP TO SHANGHAI!
I'll miss you both dearly. Sniff.
My 12-year-old cousin, Sze Min, will be jamming at suntec. I think he is part of the Superband show on Channel U. I'm so proud of him! And he told me his band's drummer is only 5-years-old. Must be a child prodigy. Anyway, Sze Min and I were discussing his band's song selections that day, they picked the most obscure rock songs to play. And he only listens to the Eagles and Micheal Learns to Rock. So vintage. So I was introducing him to bands like Sugarcult, Fall Out Boy and Green Day. Boy was he amazed.
Here's a little jem of a song I found, Look What You've Done by Jet:
Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems like such fun
Until you lose what you had won
Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose
diagnosed of lucid psychosis
1:26 AM
Friday, March 17, 2006
It's official, I've broken up with James. At first he was like all "Oh what's the use trying to make it work, why don't we just be two really good friends?" And I couldn't help but agree. Then, 4 days later, I find out he has been cheating on me. Not physically, but he has been calling her and sms-ing her. And that was why he didn't want us to work out in the first place. Of, course, I went beserk like anyone would have. Hate messages, hate phonecalls and finally a cold war.
But, I couldn't go on with it. I couldn't hate him anymore. It would be awkward for our neutral friends, it would extremely tiring too. So, I finally forgave him and that's when his potential gilfriend, this strange person named Jessica, calls me and suggests we meet. I agreed, thinking it was just a I-get-to-know-you kind of thing.
Stupid me. It was all a plan from the start. That's why Jessica was behaving so extremely odd. She was whining, domineering, demanding and she kept trying to rub it in my face. And the more I thought about it, the more I realise how it has been their awful plan all along. James wanted me to hate him so I would finally leave him alone. That's why he dropped the bomb on me about Jessica. And after he found out that I have forgiven him already, they decided to put Jessica's I'm-so-friendly-to-you plan into place. To make me run far away in the opposite direction.
I know, any smart person would have sensed it from the start. I'm way to naive and innocent. Whatever it is, I'm washing my hands clean of him and Jessica The Strange. I will only be friendly with him, but we are in no way friends. It is quite obvious he doesn't want us to be friends at all.
One thing I am very grateful of, is that my friends have been supporting me all the way. They have been by my side, listening to me, giving suggestions and opinions. I don't think I could have any better friends in the world. :)
diagnosed of lucid psychosis
2:21 PM
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
What happens when love dies?
Do we sit around and mourn for what is lost?
Do we go on like nothing ever happened?
What am I to do when I am so alone?
When the pain becomes too much
And the tears have all run dry.
I have no idea what went wrong. How pure joy turned into torture. And it is so painful to recall the happy times. To read and re-read my previous entries about him. Yet, they tell me that time will heal the pain. I hope they are right because I have neither the energy nor the tears left to sob and wail.
God, give me strength to stand again. It has been taken from me.
diagnosed of lucid psychosis
11:22 AM
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